Blood, Sweat, and Tears
by evilplotbunnies
Summary: Lavender's secret comes out after breaking up with Ron. Warning: cutting
1. Blood

Disclaimer:All things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling. I have borrowed her characters for my own plot.

AN: Apparently, my computer didn't save the changes I made. If you read the version in which Malfoy finds Lavender, the ending to this chapter has been changed.

_Harry pulled the Invisibility Cloak over his head and set off down the stairs, Ron and Hermione hurrying along behind him. At the foot of the stairs, Harry slid through the open door._

"_What were you doing up there with **her**?" shrieked Lavender Brown, staring right through Harry at Ron and Hermione emerging together from the boys' dormitories. Harry heard Ron spluttering behind him as he darted across the room away from them. _

_--Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince_ page 478

Lavender Brown was not having a good day. She had broken up with Ron Weasley the previous night after catching him and Hermione Granger in a sordid affair. She should have known better than to get involved with him anyway. After all, he'd only been in love with Hermione since, what, fourth year? And what's more, they both denied the whole thing! It couldn't have been more obvious, though. After all, what else could they have been doing alone in the boys' dormitory?

All through charms, Lavender glared at them and fought back tears as they flirted, touched, helped each other with their class work. The longer she watched, the more out of control she felt. And as that feeling increased, so did her focus on her book bag. They were in there, she knew, all the supplies for her secret habit. All day, she waited for the right moment to slip away. She acted like nothing was wrong, gossiping through lunch with Parvati and some other friends. Even telling them how Hermione was a whore didn't stop her obsession, though. She felt that pull that she hated so much, and yet she knew where it would invariably lead. Finally, on her way from Divination, she was able to slip away, telling Parvati she had left something in the Charms classroom.

Lavender quickly hurried to the second floor and slipped into the girls' loo, her secret hiding place since third year. No one came in here unless it was for some mysterious need to be alone due to the resident ghost, Moaning Myrtle. Myrtle had, however, turned out to be a surprisingly good confidante. She'd kept Lavender's secret knowing it was the only way she'd come back; Myrtle was hungry for companionship.

"Hi, Myrtle, are we alone today?" Lavender asked as she took her usual place against the far wall.

"Of course. You know nobody visits me. It's been three weeks since I've seen you," Myrtle whined. "I was beginning to think you didn't like me!"

But Lavender was already focused on the scissors and disposable razor which she had already removed from her bag. By now she could get the blade out rather efficiently. She made the first cut on her forearm. Instantly, she went numb. There was no physical pain, nor any emotional. _Finally,_ she thought in relief.

It wasn't about pain. It was never about pain. It was about the blood and about control. Lavender pulled out her wand as the blood oozed from the small cuts she had made. She pointed at her arm and formed the blood into a bubble. The bubble grew slowly and started to rotate. She had been experimenting with this for a while.

Minutes went by. The bubble had slowly grown to the size of a football. She knew she should stop soon, that she should put it down the drain, but she continued to stare at it in fascination. Then something happened that had never happened before: the door opened and someone walked into the room.

Lavender was so startled she lost her focus, and the blood fell to the floor. It was amazing how such a small amount of blood could look so bad when it was splashed all over oneself. She raised her startled green eyes into equally startled brown ones. For a second all she could think about was the irony that Granger would be the one to find her.

Granger's face turned pale and then a little green as she took in the blood soaked appearance of her classmate. Lavender gave a little shriek and ran into the nearest stall. "Go for help, Myrtle, you idiot!" Granger said just before she threw up in the sink.

"NO!" Lavender yelled. "No, nothing's wrong. You don't have to tell anyone." But she knew it was too late. In desperation, she reached under the door and grabbed her wand to start cleaning herself up. "_Tergeo,"_ she whispered as she siphoned blood off her clothes.

Utter chaos ensued. Flitwick was first on the scene followed by McGonagall who rushed Lavender up to the hospital wing. On the way out, she hissed to Granger, "Keep your mouth shut, slut!"


	2. sweat

"How long has this been going on, dear?" Madam Pomfrey asked as she took in the scars on her left arm. Lavender didn't answer. All she wanted was to disappear. How on earth had this happened? Now everyone would know what a freak she was.

Madam Pomfrey turned as Prof. Dumbledore entered the room, but Lavender ignored him. The adults had a hurried, hushed discussion, and then it was her turn.

"Miss Brown, it has come to my attention that you are involved in a serious activity," Dumbledore said gravely with a stern look in his eyes. "I am afraid you will have to leave Hogwarts for a time. I have arranged for you to be transferred to Royal London Hospital."

That caught her attention, and Lavender turned to look at him for the first time. "Don't you mean St. Mungo's?" she asked.

"St. Mungo's is an institution for magical maladies and injuries. I'm afraid there's nothing magical about self-abuse. I will also be confiscating your wand, as it is unwise to allow a witch with such serious psychological issues to run loose among Muggles."

Lavender closed her eyes. Madam Pomfrey had already taken her wand, so there didn't seem anything else to say.

"Miss Brown," Dumbledore continued, "your parents will meet you at the hospital. They have, of course, been informed of your condition." He rose to leave.

"I do hope," he said, turning back, "that you use this time wisely and that you will soon rejoin us." And with that, he was gone. Lavender sighed. It could have been much worse. And then it got worse.

Arguing could be heard outside the door. There could be no mistake as to who was speaking: Granger and Weasley!

"_You ARE going to talk to her,_" hissed Hermione in what was supposed to be a whisper.

"_Are you mental?" _Ron hissed back. "_She broke up with me! It's not my fault!"_

"_Be a man, Ron, or I'll never speak to you again!"_ And with that, the door opened and in walked her former twu wuv, or more accurately, he was shoved stumbling into the room. Lavender pretended to be asleep.

"_She's sleeping, I'll come back later."_ But Hermione had sealed the door behind him.

Ron pounded on the door. "_Alohamora_! Hermione! Come on!" he pleaded. Finally he gave up, turned around, and cautiously approached the bed with a look of severe discomfort.

"Lavender?" he asked tentatively.

"Get out."

"She won't let me." Ron was looking everywhere but in her eyes. "Lav…look…see, I'm sorry, okay? I know I hurt you, but…." He swore. "I never expected you to try to kill yourself."

Lavender snorted. "Is that what you think happened? I have news for you, Weasley, you are definitely not suicide-worthy."

"But Hermione said you slit your wrists. She said there was blood everywhere." He stopped as she pulled back the sleeve of her robes, revealing numerous patches of small scars. He whistled. "Wow, I would never have guessed."

Lavender was annoyed. He sounded relieved now that he thought it wasn't his fault. "What do you mean by that?" she snapped.

"Well, you just don't seem the type, you know, you're always so happy and, you know, normal," Ron mused.

"What, you think cutters are stupid emo-goths who dress like skanks and listen to Nine Inch Nails and the Verve Pipe? You think I want everyone to know what a freak I am? You really are stupid. Why did I ever go out with you?" Her voice rose in a shrill crescendo until she was yelling. At this point, Madam Pomfrey got involved and threw the weasel out.

Lavender sobbed into her pillow. The whole school was sure to know: Weasley wasn't exactly the epitome of tact and self-restraint. Madam Pomfrey came over and gave her a sleeping draught. She gladly took it—at least while she was asleep she could escape the nightmare she had created for herself.


	3. Tears

"I don't want to poo in public, I don't want to poo in public." That had become Lavender's mantra since leaving the hospital. It was what kept her from falling back to her old ways.

Lavender had been horrified to learn that the first requirement of her hospitalization was to strip in front of the nurse to make sure she wasn't smuggling anything in. Once the physical and psychological examinations were over, she had to deal with her hysterical mother and angry father wondering where they had gone wrong. It wasn't easy dealing with the disappointment of her parents. It added yet another layer to the pressure she was feeling, yet at the same time it was a relief for them to finally know.

Hospitalization meant not having any privacy. She wasn't allowed to shave her legs, as that gave her access to a blade. No belts or shoe laces, either, in case she tried to hang herself. Even taking care of bathroom needs had to be observed by a nurse, though Lavender couldn't see why. After all, she had nothing but the clothes the hospital provided. She couldn't even stab herself with a pencil, as pencils were only allowed during therapeutic journaling sessions under strict supervision.

Every day, Lavender had to go to group therapy where bored teens told angsty stories while the therapist tried to make meaning of it all. This was followed by occupational therapy where they had to "express themselves with art" to give further insight into their psyche. It was hard for Lavender not to give in to the temptation to just paint everything black with red streaks to try to get a rise out of the nurses. Altogether, it was the worst time of her life.

That's why it surprised her how much she didn't want to leave. Leaving meant facing the outside world again, and who knew how that world would treat her now they knew she was a freak? It meant facing temptation again and having to fight it. But one thing Lavender was sure of—she _would_ fight it. She would never poo in public again!

Returning to Hogwarts was difficult. Some people treated her differently. Parvati acted very strangely toward her, and Padma just avoided her altogether. Professor Flitwick wouldn't meet her eye, but McGonagall didn't hesitate to keep her accountable. At least once a day, the no-nonsense teacher would ask Lavender if she had had any relapses.

Oddly enough, the one person who didn't treat her like a freak was Hermione. "You can't change the past, only learn from it," Hermione had told Lavender when she first returned. "I hope you and I can be friends."

While they certainly wouldn't be bosom buddies anytime soon, it was nice to know that someone could look past one's faults and see a human being inside.


End file.
